Thinking of love as lasting forever is having expectations of perfection and a fairytale, which can create the illusion that there is an enchanted world where relationships never fail, where people only fall in love once in a lifetime, where there is only one true love. In relationships, just like life, each day is full of unpredictability, learning, sharing, failures and dreams.
Deconstruction of fairy tales
When you are younger, you experience the so-called heartbreak of love, where the “end of the world” sets in, characteristic of adolescence, where everything is experienced intensely, where tears take over the nights, which become long, cold and lonely. But, strange as it may seem, it passes. Almost as if by magic life continued. How and what is this fact due to? The ability to readapt and overcome is not visible to the naked eye, and although each case is unique, it is common that, in more fleeting relationships, it is possible to overcome more quickly and effectively. However, it may also be at this stage of development that marks remain that condition future relationships.
In a more mature phase, the fairy tale can become a horror story: the endings begin to have a different weight, a phase of failure, guilt, dissatisfaction, misunderstanding, loneliness and fear begins. Questions like “Where did I go wrong?”; “Why did he/she do this to me?”; "The guilt? It’s his/her fault.”; "What am I going to do now?"; “What are people going to say?”, flood the person’s mind, and they may manifest depressive and anxiety symptoms. Each person seems to lose the right to simply stop liking, losing the charm, realizing that expectations/goals are different, that there is more to discover, more to live for and that both can be happier.
The search for happiness and the fear of the end
Everyone has the right to seek happiness. What would be the purpose of life if this were not the case? The problem begins when we place our own purpose in life in others, when we project ourselves onto others. When it ends, countless questions arise like “Who am I without him/her? What is my life project?” Here, we reach the difficult phase.
Many people stay in relationships for years out of fear, fear of not finding anyone else, of not being loved/accepted, of feeling abandoned and without support. In more extreme and disruptive contexts, physical and psychological aggressions occur, as cases of domestic violence reveal.
The fear of not existing without, the fear of not being able to do without, the fear of not being able to cope without. In short, the fear of it being too painful to start again. The fear of what others will think and/or say haunts many men and women trapped in emotional dependence and a social fantasy that a beautiful post on a good day will last the remaining 364 days of the year.
Fear, characterized as a primary (innate) emotion, can, at certain moments in life, take other forms. This sensation exists in individuals to alert them to dangerous situations. However, the type of fear described here does not serve this purpose, going from being an adaptive and useful fear to being a harmful fear, as in these moments it does not allow the person to respond in a way that seeks well-being and quality of life.
Overcoming a fear can be a difficult task, but not impossible. Emotions play an important role in the development of learning, since contact with certain emotional experiences causes emotional learning that will guide the choice of appropriate future emotional responses. In relationships, it is not a breakup that defines who you are, or what you are capable of, the breakup just means that two people can be happier, more successful with other people and, although it is scary at first, it is possible to overcome and find purpose in what is worth it in itself.
Think about it with me: if you take care of yourself, if you fight for your dreams, if you enjoy your own company, if you like yourself, will it be easier to prepare for a new relationship, for a new learning experience, for a new adventure? Some infinities are bigger than others... The important thing is that you don't cancel yourself out for anyone.
Text: Vanessa Pinto | Clinical and Health Psychologist | CP nº 24523 | Instagram: @vp_psicologaclinicaedasaude
Vanessa Pinto is a clinical psychologist and was a volunteer at APAV, and is also a Crime Victim Assistance Technician, helping many women in the process of ending and rebuilding their life projects, so that they become empowered, independent and happy.
